december 21st i had a christmas show at my apartment, where i played christmas songs i wrote to a room filled with my friends, and warm candles. it was one of the most special nights ever. i was nervous, i felt like i was opening my chest and showing a small glowing stone. it was such a high, such a strange and vulnrable peak, that afterwards, i was drained of all life and ability. for many days i left the chairs set up in my apartment just as they were, no furniture in the living room, only chairs set up with no one sitting in them, curtains hanging from the ceiling, candlesticks on all the surfaces.
i didn't use any electric light during this small period of time, only candle. i didn't feel very good. i would light the candles and put on roy orbison record and dance, but it didn't feel good. i felt like all the chairs caused a kind of disruption in the flow and safe feeling of my apartment. too many empty chairs.
episode 7 of twin peaks caught on fire during the show... i should have been more careful about the candles. in search of twin peaks ep. 7 on vhs now. maybe i'll get lucky one day.
earlier in december, i had a blocked heart for a period of time. i thought about what could help. i tried collecting some acorns in the night. that was okay. looking for acorn. looking for happy. sometimes you feel around in the dark with your glove. you want to find something special. but the acorn you pick up is half eaten by a squirrel. you can't blame yourself for that. you can put it back and try again. sometimes you find a brown piece of paper and write a story on it. there, you have full control. make it a happy story if that's what you need. or you can draw on it a picture of an oak leaf.
that's all just to say, i guess i'm learning that you have to try around for a while until something works. or sometimes the heart becomes unblocked on it's own. i don't really know.
i'm turning 28 in a couple of weeks, i feel about that age which is kind of nice. a little young, a little old. mostly young. i'm starting my 28th year with a new couch that i got on new years day from facebook marketplace. my friend kelly drove with me to pick it up, and we drove back at about 10 mph with the trunk wide open. Then all our other friends came over and helped us move it up into my apartment. best new years day. it's called the Plaid Couch, because, well that's what it is. that's where i'm writing this from.
so many things floating around my head right now. i can't organize them, so they bump into each other like little amoebas and form new relationships and correspondances with one another. "orange sunset behind the feed mill" and "ipod shuffle" are holding hands. "Plaid Couch" is talking to "crying in the car" and they're telling each other their favorite movies. "i'm so grateful for my friends", "i have hope for the new year", and "i need to finish the scarf i'm working on" are playing cards. "bag of acorns" is talking to himself in the corner.
i do have hope for the new year, that's the truth. all the rest of the things i wrote just now may simply be coming from the tired brain of a girl eating a little dinner and watching a martial arts movie. anyway after thinking about it for a while, here's a recipe for opening a blocked heart:
How to open a Blocked Heart
put your hands in the cold stream
look out the window with the cat
lay in bed and imagine going on an adventure with your friends. (pack ham and cheese and butter sandwiches, wrap them in cloth, put them in your bag, wait until nightfall. meet each other under the big oak tree in the park. walk until you're in the woods. walk until you're in a clearing under the moonlight. stop and eat your sandwiches. walk again, until you reach the top of the hill. wait for the train, and when it comes, get on it.)
put something together
take something apart
collect acorns in the night
put your glasses on and type words into the computer. tap tap tap
move the wardrobe from one corner to the other
eat a milk chocolate chip
go on a walk, and pretend your grandmother as a child is walking with you, and look at things together
stack the empty chairs up and put them against the wall
make dinner with your freinds, take the chairs down to the van afterwards
thanks for reading and talk to you again next time
on the ambrosia apple
November 25, 2025
ah, the ambrosia apple. this apple is the best apple out there, in my eyes.
before i say anything, i'll tell you this. after eating the ambrosia apple for the first time years ago, i stopped liking all other apples entirely. this is the only apple i will buy and the only apple i will enjoy.
to begin with, the skin: it is on the matte side, with a slight gleam. yellow, like a ginkgo leaf in fall, then swirling into a warm coral, orange, and finally into a rosy color with streaks of all the other colors underneath. they usually have these pale brown freckles. the shape is about standard apple size, though sometimes they can be large. they are firm to the touch. i'm holding one now as i write this, and just gave it three short raps with my knuckle. it was like knocking on a sturdy peice of pine wood.
the bite releases easily, meaning a sizable amount of flesh comes off in a hunk when you bite into it. you don't need to slide your teeth too far inside. one short firm bite and yank away and you've got a good bit to chew on. i've never experienced a grainy or soft ambrosia apple.
as for flavor, it's first impression on the tongue is like meeting an old freind. he knocks on the door holding a warm bread wrapped in cloth. he takes his shoes off at the door. he speaks quietly and laughs at all the right moments during your story. all this to say: sweet, mild, refreshing. where a honeycrisp apple is at 100% flavor, the humble ambrosia lies at a modest 80%. there's no shock to the senses which so often turns me off about all other apples.
i looked up: "who discovered the ambrosia apple" on google and learned that it was discovered in the 1990's as a chance seedling, which just means it wasn't cultivated on purpose. nature looked at our world and saw that we were hungry for a new apple. sally and wilfred mennell looked at the ground and saw a hopeful sprout. "that's new" said sally. "let's keep it around, see what it does" said wilfred.
well, regardless of who said what, i'm just happy to see it at the publix market.
that's all for now. talk to you again next time
1.5 hours of dancing
November 19, 2025
for me, it's very important and keeps me grounded to have long sessions of vigorous and joyful dance in my living room. today i knew i needed this because i felt just a glimmer of anxiety while i was parking my bike at the stopsign outside my apartment. what was i feeling anxious about? the beauty of it is, now i don't even recall.
it's so important to thrash around and move to the beat.
i pulled the carpet from my bedroom into the living room and pushed the furniture a little together. it took a moment to find my groove. i wanted the music to be louder. "LOUDER I SAY." i wanted it to bounce the walls. but there's neighbors above and below. not nice.
my perfect dance recipe for this evening started with some light and happy songs that i simply danced around to. then i put on a good 80's song with that heavy echoey drum. oh i love to hear the drum like that. i danced in the living room and pretended like a smaller version of me was dancing in a smaller living room up within my head. i like to dance in a way where i jump around and do what feels right. you have to dance the same way you remember dancing around the living room when you were a kid.
that's the most important thing about it, you can't worry about how you look. for me, i can't worry about what my hands are doing. usually they want to do something really strange, they make some really strange angles. can't think about that. only dance.
i danced for 1.5 hours vigorously. at just the moment i thought i had danced enough, one of paul mccartneys funkiest: "arrow through me" came on and i had to dance some more. how does he make it so funky?
when i was finally done dancing i went into the kitchen and got an ambrosia apple and a piece of jarslburg cheese and i sat on the carpet and ate those. smog's "feather by feather" was playing. i thought about some things. i thought about sitting in a kitchen somewhere in new york and listening to that song. i wanted to try to cry but i couldn't cry because i wasn't feeling sad at all. i was feeling incredibly calm.
i thought to myself "i will dance, love, and dance again. then sit on the ground and eat my favourite apple." occasionally i just eat around the sticker, i don't take it off. i don't know why. it seems like the most boring thing in the world to take the sticker off. like waiting for the toilet to flush. things like that make me impatient. i want to get to the apple, nevermind the sticker.
talk to you again next time
making a bread
November 9, 2025
on this day, i made a gluten free challah. i was sick, feeling so under the weather and it was cold. i thought making a little warm challah would be nice. it's the first time i've done this, i was nervous because at first it didn't really rise at all. but after twisting it around and letting it rise for the final time it did get a little bit puffier. then came time to bake..
the bread browned so nicely. i used an egg wash mixed with a little heavy whipping cream. it was a little dense to eat but still good. i ate it with some jarlsburg cheese which i shelled out on but you know, i think a good nice cheese is worth it and it makes me happy. nutty jarslburg. i got also this plum jam which is good, but i wish there were more lumps in it. i'd say it's more like a jelly to me. next time i want to make little animals out of bread or a more complicated braid. stay tuned, and talk to you again next time
before and after he went into the oven
first blog post/introduction
Nov 5, 2025
hello i'm josephine, this is my fresh new blog. where i'm gonna put things that i've got floating inside my head. well, i'm just trying to be on my phone less and be more present about the way i am sharing when i feel like i want to share things online. instagram fills me with anxiety and dread, everytime i post i get sweats afterwards. that's just not right...so i thought maybe if i create a little room here on the internet i can share things here, you know, put posters on the walls and hang up curtains if i want to. :P
anyway, i like typing on the keyboard. tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. ahh. that's nice. does numbers for the nervous system...
well, that's it for now. talk to you again next time
thanks for reading and talk to you again next time
